my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
there is puke in my bra ... again
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
