so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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