Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
