She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you had me at cake vodka
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
