I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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