The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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