There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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