I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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