When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
