She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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