Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
