Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
