:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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