cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize