I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
