So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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