apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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