Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
