ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish you could order shots online.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
