college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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