We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
