Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
