TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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