I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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