i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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