dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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