Umm I'm too high to move.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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