I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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