I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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