eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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