this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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