Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
