Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
