Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
