I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
