I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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