I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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