Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
