I'm pants shitting drunk right now
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
