My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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