I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
