I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
