Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
