I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
