wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
