Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The best revenge is premature balding
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
