I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
