so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
