This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize