Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Randomize
