was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
