So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
