she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
