my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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