eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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