dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
