Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
