Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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