...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
two words...techno handjob
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
