I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just had sex on a roof
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
