dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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