I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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