haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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