I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
