I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
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