i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
