Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
